Day2...

Day 2 morals was low.. very low, i woke up and i felt really sick.

Sick from yesterday's overdosage of approach anxiety.

didnt feel good , was it my bed or was it me.

Yesterday i missed a chance , i remember that yesterday i had a chance to open a cutie gal , she was around when thouse 4 girls came and surround me , gimme me so much pre-seeding value (it turns out tat pre-seeding is one of the strongest) Sigh, she was sitting across me , and "peeping" at me while i typed yesterday's blog , she stayed until around this time 8.38p.m , i should have opened her.

Damn tabby , you should have said anything , like hey you know your hello kitty reminds me of an incident which ......
or
i can see your bored , i am bored too so i came over and join you
or
or
or
or
WHY??? WHY DIDNT I DO IT?? WHYYY???

=( sigh lemme tell you why , i was afraid of success , i was afraid what do i say after i got her hooked. i wasnt afraid of rejection because there's only 1 way 2 go after rejection .Okay Nice meeting you.

Haizz , i been thinking , why didnt i start to open her??? what's my problems , i dont have the fear of rejection , but i fear of success??? what logic is that?

but i not going to let this get me down , i going just try again and again.

Btw guys , this 13?? or 14th is the magic thingy . Ya i am going (even tho i dunno where to get the $$ yet) i figure that if i had magic i could use it as a cushion .

Of course i wanna run a great game , without magic . Only using attraction based , however i felt it to be so hard without a cushion .

I guess what's holding me back is the social fear, what if what if what if.

Every what if is like me dying 1 time , i am slowly bleeding here.. help me!!!.

in the morning i felt sick , so i didnt went out , maybe 2 eat . but i went back home again

Things start to make me bleed again , things like Hey you should not be doing this , why not study hard

Yes rite , study , study , study and look back and say.. oh why am i still having a hand party?

now i think back , in life there's so many people wanted me to fail

My mom
Fuck head uncle
My friends
My teacher (yes , they told me studying hard is the way , settle down and worry for the future)
and myself

I realise something , whenever i tried to think of opening , myself would start doing self-defeating habits.

i realise that whenever i try to change it's myself who trys to stop me.

Do i give up on love? no , truthfully i could have said to myself , ahh fuck it you know i had like 2 girls who fell in love with me (had shitty time with) so i should give up , god aint gimme me a chance.

I re-read the book the game , it's like my bible , i wanted to find words to encourage me , i feel so lost like what to do? then i read something tat style wrote that goes something like this : The universe gives you everything you need , but it doesnt drop it on your lap but drops it somewhere else , it's not because the universe is cruel , it's because it is smart , it has it's own cat string theory ,it knows that people dont appeciate things that they gotten easily.

Doesnt matter , i wont give up or give in It's time to change.

Altho right now i dont feel attracted to anyone (okay okay maybe 2 the body) but no real attraction sometimes i doubt myself , but i just wanna believe something that i believe years ago.

I had a dream of me and my future gf (whoever she is , is going to be damn lucky ) and i believe that like every seashell , there's a pieace out there that suits you.

I dont care , i am going to work hard on understanding myself , i am sure there is a bypass hoop on this. One day when i discover it i going to teach others

I believe this will be temporary , i am going , going to hold on tight. Until my help arrives